I try so hard to be happy and hope that by trying and telling myself I am that I will one day wake up and feel it, yet until this point it hasn't worked.  I am really being pushed over the edge in all aspects of life.  My job sucks ass!! It seems like whenever I go in I am automatically in a bad mood. I used to love the place and the job, but now it is just another place which makes me feel out of control.  Serving people who never apprieciate anything sucks.  Oh by the way I am a server at a restaurant.  My bosses take advatage of me as well.  Whenever I step foot into to the restaurant they tell me to do jobs that a manager should do and I dont get payed to do that and I just want to say fuck you to them but instead I keep my cool, which I always do, and do what they ask.  What am I supposed to do?  Not only does work suck but school is killing me.  I am a chemistry major and I have the biggest test next week and then a physics and calculus test the next week.. Oh and the professors are not very articulate and have no idea how to lecture in a way which is actually beneficial to the student.  I feel like I am drowneding and there is now way to pull myself up.  On top of all of this the guy I think I am in love with seems to be pulling away.  I dont know if its me or him, but we are distant.  Out of nowhere we have nothing to talk about and he doesn't want to make plans with me.. Does that mean he doesn't want to be with me?  We have been together for 2 years and things haven't always been easy but we always made it through.  I thought this was it and i also thought he believed it was too.. I guess not and now I dont know if I should just ride it out till the end or cut my losses and try and move on.  I guess I look to him to be supportive and help me through all of this and maybe this path will get easier, but no, he never is.  He doesn't understand.  He always says exactly the wrong thing or the opposite of what I want to here but yet I still want to be with him, WHY??  Is it truely love or is it just cowardice.  I have no idea and could just lie in bed forever!!

Why does life have to go exactly the opposite direction of the way you want or expect things to go??  It seems like the harder I try to things the right way the more I stear away from what I think I want.  Growing up I always had dreams and aspirations, now I dont know that they are my dreams anymore.  I feel like I am simply going through the motions of life.. I get up go to class, do homework, work and then go to bed.  Is life really supposed to be this way.  I feel completely apathetic to life and what happens to me.  I would just be happier if I stayed in bed all day. It is not like anyone would notice if I disappeared.  It seems like we are supposed to simply work and try to make things better but we are forced to wait after all our hard work and all I can see in my future is death.. We are all going to die and no matter how hard we work throughout or lifes we are all going to end up dead.. I cant stand going to class everyday and working so hard to get nothing out of it.  I will get a job, but like most individuals end up hating it. SO WHY do we all do it.. I guess I am just frustrated with life and cant think of anyway to find the positive.  I am at the point where I don't believe there is a postive or anything that could change my apathy and frustration with life to happiness!! And all I really want to do is be happy, doesn't it seem like a simple request??